28 December 2009


awed v. odd

06 December 2009

[ok, so i don't like coffee. but i like the idea of it.]

13 November 2009

i couldn't stand being a passing fancy. before i give my body, i must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. and you weren't having any of those.

do you know that i only rushed that one time? i rushed and then i panicked because i hear that i’m a grown up now and i had be rough when really all i am is melting.

so i stopped. here i am; i am not jumping.

what could i do? there are lots of things i’d like. to stop battling all the eyelashes, to start. i’d like to have somewhere to put all the pretty words i could write for you. your ears might be a good place to empty what i have stored up in my head. maybe it would find its way in before you start running away.

i could fold up into you and be warm all night and i’d even stay longer if you let me.

we could sit in front of my paper fire and pretend like the heat is real because we’re both stuck in the city and it’s making us tear apart. or i could trap you on my roof. i’ll force you to be romantic and then scream at you like the wind is glaring at me. i might cry so you know how i am.

i confuse everything that’s easy about the earth for subtlety when things aren’t going my way. it’s just because winter is tragic and if i can’t have what i want, i’ll join the quiet and take devastation for depth.

right now i’m a puddle. i’m shivering and worried that i can’t do words like i can’t do people and if they both escape you, what do you have?

i think i’m just making up loves for my room because it’s here and my hands are alone.

12 October 2009

stars out my window

in an effort to get back on top of my ish blog-wise, i'm taking a queue from achtung baby!

22 August 2009

i'm hot. stop talking.

emily/saintmodesto talks feelings like nobody else. here's a smattering [if you will] of pretty words that came right out of her little head/heart/fingertips:

04 August 2009

now you're lit up by the city

this is how i start everything; i’m apprehensive. it’s been more than a month and my thoughts come slow, slow.

i don’t always say things with the intensity that i mean them. i tell stories better face-to-face; in real life, i’ve got my hands and my eyebrows to move around when the right words are lost somewhere down in my knees, afraid to be pulled up into my heart or even my stomach.

but this is a story. all i can write is my thoughts so sink your eyes into the words and then, face-to-screen-to-screen-to-face, maybe we’ll connect.

that’s how we did it. for some of us, it started with riese’s words. all of us voyeurs, we saw our thoughts staring us in the face more beautifully than we could have ever thought them. i read people as much as books and here were both wrapped up together.

it was words and words and words and then an explosion.

there was that part at the beginning where all my nerves were racing around—and not just in my head, my whole body was feeling it. at first i felt little, like i’d have to shout to be seen. but instead, we just settled into ourselves. unseen sparks of something sinking in, my skin was tingling like laughing or like drinking, which we did a lot.

between the incredible chaos, i liked when we walked back to our hotel and didn’t say anything, because breathing is nice sometimes, too.

with alcohol on your side, who can say what’s true? the weekend was quick and so sweet and it wasn’t real life. but here’s the best part: it was real life. every second actually happened.

then the morning came and we woke up anticipating instant nostalgia but instead were filled with a different emptiness. it doesn’t make sense to mourn a beginning. i’m finding out where my holes are and realizing that what we’re making is easing the hollow feeling.

02 July 2009

a thousand reason why it might have happened but none as important as the fact that it had

i have a lot of thoughts about this right now, but my eyes hurt from staring at a computer screen for so long. more to come soooooon.

19 June 2009

this is just to say

+i have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
for breakfast

forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

[william carlos williams]

+a ransom note for the survival of your snacks

i ate all your granola bars
that right: all of them

they were pretty bangin’
and you were making me mad

pick up your phone next time

[laura wooley]

+this american life: act two

+and now for a game

dear readers: who are you? what do you eat for breakfast? do you hold your breath when you pass cemeteries? have you ever caught a fish?

you don’t even have to tell me your name, you can just answer my questions and this website will make one up for you. or, if you’re feeling fancy, you can get a taxi driver name, a british name, a pokemon name, a ninja name, or a triceratops name.

15 June 2009

i have no words for this

12 June 2009

"read a fucking book": notes from me to me

it's a well known fact that i--like a lot of other people--love lists. right now, i've got about 14 going. here's a sampling of items from my notes:

+smart start healthy heart
[list: go to the grocery store, please]
i woke up yesterday craving this stuff. do they even make it anymore?

+graveyard at 4th and pine
[list: summerrrr]
i think cemeteries are kind of awesome in a totally non-creepy [cause i'm terrified of almost everything] romantic sort of way. i found this one while i was walking around a few weeks ago, but i've got to go back because it was raining and too muddy to go in.

+read a fucking book
[list: things to do immediately]
even though it's summer so i've got no assigned reading and could get any book i could possibly want from my school's library, i haven't read anything for fun in ages.

+"you're still in the way that i move, when nobody's watching"
[list: nice words]
misheard lyrics from "stay awake" by lydia. i think the real words are "you're still in the way that i think nobody's watching" but i like mine better.

+save jon and kate's marriage
[list: summerrrr]
no explanation needed. someone needs to do it; it might as well be us.

+get a new wallet
[list: things to do immediately]
i did this! i made one! my old wallet must have been designed by a toddler or someone who only uses credit cards or something because it wasn't even big enough to hold dolla dolla bills.

speaking of wallets, check out my license photo. 2003 was such a sexy year.

[list: things to buy]
i don't remember writing this down, but it might be kind of fun to have.

+trading places by usher
[list: songs to learn]
the comedic value of being able to play this song on my guitar is out of control.

+bilingual edition of aura
[list: books]
i lazily picked this book for a project for my spanish class since it was my name minus one letter, but i ended up devouring it. it's told in second person and it's a ghost story that's sort of like beloved and it's beautiful.

05 June 2009

i'm getting tired, i'm forgetting why

nothing is lonelier than living alone.

i like the contentment of coming home to a house with life in it. and maybe some love, too.

and i like the vulnerability that comes with budding familiarity, but i’ve got all the wrong kinds of uncertainty.

i’m watering my plants to see growth, eating to feel full.

everything breaks my heart and at the same time, nothing at all...at least not in the way i want it to. when i feel it all but can’t find the worth, i’ll remember just how small i am.

sometimes there’s safety in being so young. i want to be precocious forever, sassing grownups into taking me seriously.

do i really have to put up with being told to just relax when something’s not alright? isn’t that what they say when there’re so many of them? they’ll talk me down to themselves and to their friends and then to me.

i try so hard to get roughed up.

i fight back with words, but shudder realizing how real the frenzy can become. no one would beat up a kid. except, probably, another kid, a bigger one, you know?

there’s so little vindication in growing up to see the fights you thought we’d forget happen again.

i’m worried that all this loneliness is slowing me down. i’ll be prufrock minus the poetry, letting time bustle by without me.

my grandma said when you’re old, you can either be invisible or crazy. i’ll do anything to avoid more desolation. i’ve got to get out.

living in a house with windows that are glued shut is just a little too symbolic for my liking.

23 May 2009

the world is a really big place

it's infographic time!

obviously, if everyone lived in texas, there wouldn't be enough resources, people would be cranky from living so close to each other, we would all say "ya'll" all the time, etc. BUT this is just texas, there's the entire rest of the world!

this is the result of a leftover thought from one of my sociology teachers last semester. when a boy in my class said we couldn't let any more immigrants in to the u.s. because we were too full, she said she'd just read that the entire population of world could fit in texas and that maybe he should think about it some more. it seemed kind of hard to believe, but it turns out that it works. and as a sidenote, i'm not really sure what this information really means or has to do with, i just know that i think it's fascinating.

29 April 2009

paper-cutting olympics

18 April 2009

fireside chat

first of all, last night i was riding home on my bike and heard some girls on the sidewalk talking about a cute boy. like any good gay lady, i turned around to check him out, but didn't see anybody else on the street. then one of them was all "look at his helmet," and i was like "oh they're talking about me." huh? i don't look anything like a boy. not even at 15 mph.

second, this guy's taken about two weeks to get up--half because dani and i had to finish editing it and half because my computer was in a fight with me. i went to the tech center to get help and the first thing they did was ask for my student id and password. which is when i remembered that i really couldn't tell anyone my password. because it was 'african queen.' keeping in mind that i am tiny, white, and was recently called a 'cute boy,' you can imagine how ridiculous/probs racist that would have sounded.

just to clarify [sort of], the reason it was african queen was because i got a reminder e-mail about changing my password while i was listening to this:

and in a moment of idiocy, thought it would be a really good idea to make it my password. what can i say? i love this song.

aynway, i told them i couldn't remember it and ran away before they could go online to look it up for me. i changed my password, fixed my computer, and we finished our video. we tried so hard[ish] but couldn't get it under 10 minutes and our audio still blows, so turn it up allllll the way.

07 April 2009

now my feet won't touch the ground

i feel like i have ten million possibilities in my veins and nowhere for my fingertips to reach yet. like roots that would grow, maybe, from a little beating heart seed that's just waiting. with air like this who can sit still? my honey nights are gone with the winter.

pull my hair, twist my arm, push me, tangle me up in angry words or in lusty sheets. engage me.

now my blood is thick against the dusk. i’m tasting iron in my throat, swallowing all my words while i run from the soil. am i flying from the ground or into a swarm? can i have both? i’m not rushing anywhere except to begin.

27 March 2009

oh hey, sweet fixie

do you see these bikers? look at how colorful they are, look at how colorful the road
is. it's like they're riding on a rainbow. i bet if we could see their faces they would be smiling like little balls of sunshine [because this is a picture. in real life, they would probs be panting and breathing like nerdboys because they are tired [i.e. me] or making judgmental faces at people driving, people walking, people sitting, animals sitting, inanimate objects sitting, life [i.e. bike hipsters]]. [i wish i knew the rules for punctuation and brackets. i think the rule is actually "learn to write better so you don't have to use brackets," but that's not really realistic, you know?] they would be smiling because they are the proud new mums and dads of studio gelardi's contrail.
the tool clips onto your bike frame and leaves a trail of chalk behind you as you ride. as more bikers ride in an area, the bike path builds up, letting other bikers know where it's safe to ride and alerting cars to presence of bikes. it looks like it's just a concept design right now, but i'm hoping it'll be produced sometime soon.

having never ridden in a city before, i waited three months before finally feeling brave enough to go down to center city on my bike. i had no idea how to navigate one-way streets [i still don't, are you supposed to ride on the right or the left?] or what streets were good to ride on and most of the bike kids i knew or talked to were more interested in being obnoxious experts than being helpful. being able to see where other people ride might make biking seem less daunting and encourage other people to try it.

also, seeing colorful paths on road might make my number one enemy*, cars, realize that all those "share the road signs" are not just a suggestion. and that no matter how much you honk and curse at me, i will not bike on the sidewalk because it is a] impossible and b] illegal.

and if you don't bike or aren't always narrowly escaping death by car, just think about how pretty it is. if you were walking and saw chalk lines all over the street, you would smile like the bikers in the picture are probably smiling. and it would be like christmas, only in the summer, which is like australia. "summer heights high" is in australia and is a fantastic show that would make you smile too.

i've just re-read this and it's like a second grade persuasive essay titled "the world is a better place when you've got sparkly streets." great.

in a similar non-destructive-graffiti-things-that-belong-in-some-"stuff-white-people-like"-category vein, i saw these led throwies on instructables and fell in love with them a little bit because they're nerdy and crafty. i want to go out and play with them but the problem is i can't think of any magnetic buildings and they seem like an expensive-ish project with all the tiny batteries and lights and magnets. my mum sent me a package of glow sticks [and rice. ?.] the other day, though, so i think those are just going to have to do for now.

*i actually love cars, i'm just jealous of them.

23 March 2009

dinner and deserts [not sic]

i finally decided what to do with the notebook that my aunt sent me for my birthday [in october] today. if you're like me, 5 months is a good amount of time to spend figuring out what to write in a cute book. since i'm always leaving my recipe cards to fade in the kitchen window, i thought it would be a good idea to write all my recipes in a book too. in celebration of my pretty, covered-in-birds-chirping-and-spring-happening notebook filled with food, i am giving you a recipe for pizza dough. it's really easy, you just need to plan a few hours early so the dough will have time to rise.

+1 pack [2 1/4 teaspoons] of fast-acting yeast
+2 tablespoons of sugar
+1 cup of warm water

the water should be warm enough so that the yeast can grow but not so hot that it kills the little guys. if you turn on the faucet and wait until the water feels as warm as your hands, that's about perfect. mix the water, sugar, and yeast with a fork as well as your can, but don't worry about trying to get the yeast to dissolve--it won't. after about ten minutes, there should be light brown bubbles on the surface. if there aren't, stir it up again and wait a little longer, if there are, go on to the rest.

+1/3 cup of olive oil
+3-4 cups of flour

add the olive oil to the water-sugar-yeast mixture, stir it, and then start adding the flour. it's better to start with 2 1/2 cups and add more if you need it, because adding too much flour will make the dough dry and tough. if you've got a kitchenaid, you probably know what you're doing and shouldn't be listening to me, if you don't, use your hands to mix. the dough should be shiny, elastic-y [but don't play with it too much! it won't rise as well], and still sort of sticky when it's right; just make sure you stop adding flour before it starts looking like cookie dough. get another bowl, grease the sides, put your dough in it, cover the bowl with a cloth, and put it somewhere warm like a window, an oven [not turned on, obvs, although i've done that before and accidentally cooked a lump of dough], your fire escape, or your front steps. let it rise for an hour, punch it down, turn it over, and let it rise for another hour.

while you're waiting for it to rise, think about sand. why does it exist and what is it made out of? i mean, i mostly understand the sand in oceans [rocks & shells + water = erosion], but what about the sand that's in deserts? my mum said she thinks it's there from when deserts were covered by water, but that was a long time ago, shouldn't the wind have scattered it by now? once you've figured it out, let me know. for real. i've been looking online and can't find anything about sand formation.

kaythanks, back to pizza: if you're really really in a hurry, you don't have to let it rise twice and you can cook it after the first hour, but your pizza won't be as good because you were an impatient 5-year-old [and also because the dough won't have time to develop it's flavor]. grease a pan and use cornmeal if you have it, roll out your dough, decorate your pizza, then cook it for about 13 minutes at 425F.

today, i am cranky

my life is a joke: a story with visual aids

+my hammer: my apartment key mysteriously bent in a dancing extravaganza a few weeks ago. it’s mysterious because they were attached to my waist when it happened and i don’t think i weigh/am strong enough to smash metal. know who is strong enough to bend metal? lights. check out this girl's arms: PHWOARRR. [photo credit: maureen spier] anyway, i found a hammer and banged my key back into shape [ish], but apparently bending w
eakened the metal because the key keeps changing shape every time i go to get into my house. which means now i have to carry a hammer around with me so i can force my key into the lock. not a big deal when i have a backpack or whatever, but not so cool when i’m just carrying it around.

+the stepstool: i’m short [5’3”]. my roommate’s shorter [4’10”]. we can’t reach anything. ever.

+my helmet: my bike is my pride and joy
because i spent all summer making it myself.
even though i can take a bike apart and put it
back together, i don’t have tools yet, so it keeps
breaking little by little and i can’t fix it. also, philadelphia is supposed to be a bike-friendly city, but cars here treat bikes lanes as passing lanes and seem to think it’s acceptable to honk at bikes to let them know that they’ve decided to drive in the bike lane and that going to run into them but not actually make any effort to avoid hitting the bike. 2 ton car v. me [on a bike with brakes that aren’t reliable] = i wear a helmet

+my leggings: i refuse to go outside
without at least 65 layers of clothing on between october and march.
winter seems to be especially never-ending this year, but i’ve found a solution: thermal pants. they’re like a tank top for your legs, only infinitely less sexy.

+this window: my walls are absolutely dwarfing, and seem even bigger when i’m alone. in unrelated news, i can almost name all the duggar children. i need a job.

my license: last time i was in ohio, i went to wal-mart to buy rubber cement so i could finish my art homework. when i went to check out, the cashier told me she needed my id because you have to be over 15 [FIFTEEN!] to buy rubber cement. i gave her my 2 half-licenses and she told me they weren’t legal and wouldn’t let me buy the rubber cement. there are so many problems with is: a] i am 20 not 15. b] are they seriously worried about huffing? um, guess what? huffing’s like unicorns, it’s like tss, it’s not real.
later that night, we did a super-unscientific study grandma’s table about huffing and 0/19 people knew anyone who had ever actually huffed. if i’d bought, like, rubber cement and brown paper bags, i guess i would have understood why the cashier was so adamant, but i was buying paper, an x-acto knife, and rubber cement, so come on. c] i used the same id to get on a plane but they wouldn’t let me use it at wal-mart. sorry to rain on your parade, cashier girl, but you’re not keeping anyone safe by not letting me use my license, you’re just being obnoxious. d] it’s wal-mart, what did i expect? last time i was there, i was talking about how there’s no tax on clothes in pennsylvania with my mum and the cashier told me it was because they grew the cotton and made them there. which is obviously not even a little bit true.

17 March 2009

maybe maybe


Am C
|----2----------|----0----------| x8

cutting belts and magazines
and things you'll never need
the mirrors in you room at night
and skies that never fold
you're sorry that it matters more
but who would ever tell
i know you need to stay above
but i swore i swore i swore

|----0----------|----0----------| x6
it's all over your eyes
there's nothing you can do
i'm coming out my skin tonight
so tell me if you're ready or no
i'm tired of living out a lie
sitting here watching things flying by me
Am C
|----2----------|----2----------| x3
and maybe maybe
you're gonna save me
maybe maybe
but i don't know
Am C
i don't think so

last night i woke up cold
and i walked right out into the dark
and eight-hundred reasons why
kept flying into my eyes
wish i could say that i killed them dead
but they're just much bigger than i


16 March 2009


a lone ranger:
[pretend like it's in black and white on a green shirt]

01 March 2009

rabbit, rabbit, rabbit

26 February 2009

modern art, a cover, and words

i. one of these things is not like the other

did you miss it?

this was the best placard i found in the whole museum when i was at the met last weekend. it's for this piece:

i have a lot of thoughts about modern art, but i also checked out during the second semester of art history when i decided that debating what can be counted as art is not going to stop wars or feed people. not that i think learning spanish will do either of those things, but the people in those classes don't ask the teacher idiotic questions like "can you comment on the influence of art on popular children's films such as the use of figures from ancient grecian urns in disney's hercules?"

ii. "i'm sure there's something in a shade of grey"
craig owens: anna begins [counting crows cover]

iii. a glossary of my homes so far

i’ve lived in three different cities—pittsburgh, cincinnati, and philadelphia. get ready, there are a lot of quotation marks coming at you.

+eggs: while i was going the met, i ate breakfast with a girl who ordered bubble eggs, which confused me and the guy who worked there, until i realized she meant dippy eggs, which confused the non-english-speaking waiter even more. after a lot of explaining and hand motions, he told us that we were looking for huevos estrellados, volteados, pero no muy fritos. oh, of course. and thanks to the man at the table next to ours, i now know the normal word for these is “over-easy” eggs.

+jawn: hand down the best word ever. i don’t actually think it exists anywhere outside philadelphia. it mostly means thing, but can also be used to talk about a girl [never a boy]. i.e. are you going to his party jawn tonight?, check out that hot jawn over there, give me that jawn, what’s that jawn called?, let me get two of those jawny jawns. you can’t go wrong with this one.

+mum: i used to be able to call my mum “mama,” but now it just feels weird since that’s what i call everyone else. if i ever manage to find a job, i can see this being a problem since i am the queen of ending up in awkward situations. like, i’ll be working in a restaurant and i’ll have two girls at my table and obviously one will be big and one will be really little and i’ll go to take their order and the little one will say “you go first, mama” and i’ll get her order and then be all “what can i get for your daughter?” and they’ll look at me like an idiot and i’ll realize what i did and my face’ll get all red and i’ll start laughing too much and then scamper away. that’s what’ll happen. [ps did you know that the word for “mother” begins with “m” in almost every language? the “m” sound is one of the first sounds that babies learn to make and so the mum hears her baby and says “look, she’s saying my name!” talk about desperate, mums. [jk, mums are the best!]] [pps what do you call your mum?]

+nebby: pittsburghese for nosey. i think this one is cute.

+please: people in cincinnati say “please” when they don’t understand what you’re saying, causing non-cincinnati people to ask “please what?” this is apparently left over from all the germans who immigrated to the city. i’ve never really gone for the whole “please” thing; i like “what” or “sorry,” which i pronounce so that it rhymes with “gory.” i also do borrow, tomorrow, worry, and horrible with long “o”s. lots people from jersey say “harrible” [huh?] and everybody from philadelphia says “woo-der” for water [huh? x2].

+slippy: when it snows and it’s hard to walk outside, it’s slippy. you might say “no, it’s slippery,” but you would be wrong, stop adding extra ers. i think this is a pittsburgh thing.

+soldiers: soldiers are you have when you cut your toast into stripes so you can dip it into your dippy egg. i’ve never met anyone else who eats their toast like this or knows the word “soldiers” except for my grandma and the rest of my family.

+with: philadelphians are not fond of their prepositions. coming from a place where people like prepositions so much that they tend to just throw them in at the end of sentences for kicks ["where are you going to?" and so on], this is strange. people here are not “done with work,” they are “done work.” they will call you when they are “done class.” wtf philadelphia?

+yinz: second person plural! this is the pittsburgh alternative to y’all.

+yo: yo is one of my favorite words, mostly because i didn’t think real people used it until i moved to illadelphia. i remember laughing in 7th grade when i had to read dialogue that started with “yo” out loud from a book because the word felt so weird in my mouth. now i know that “yo” is a fantastic way to get someone’s attention, answer the phone, or just use to start a sentence.

what words do you have from where you live?